I have been dreading
this day, but I must tell you that I am no longer taking keytruda infusions
because the cancer, particularly in my left lung, has grown considerably
between the last two MRIs. There were other options--but none that gave
me more than 5% chance of remission and most of which are very hard
regimens for the body and then going through the rites of passage of dying on
top of that. There are, as I read my medical record, at least 11 places in my
body to which the cancer has metastasized and it would be foolhardy to think
they will not show their ugly faces, so I chose not to pursue treatment. Ralph
is in reluctant agreement that this is the best course of action for me right
now.
My last infusion was
mid-June, and I've known this for a week or so now. It was my intent not to burden
you with the information until there were more specific infirmities that made
it seem imminent, but that has kept me from emailing you above a facebook posting or two, and it is more important to me that we communicate than
to keep this a secret.
I think I was not as
surprised as I thought I would be. A few months ago, I went through a strenuous
time and I think that might have been a foreshadowing of knowledge that my body
wasn't working well. Though I've kept a positive attitude about it, I've felt a
diminishing of energy, balance, and lung ability. I'm having a few bad days
here and there--mostly related to high blood pressure which I'm sure is a
result of the stress I'm feeling. But it drains just a little more strength
from my body that it needs to fight whatever is coming.
To most intents and
purposes, I am the same old, same old; I treasure each day and keep myself busy
writing and painting. I expect to keep that up as long as possible. There's no
timeline here and I expect to keep chugging along as best my body will let me.
I just need for you all to let me be me throughout this stage of my life.
Again, I am so thankful for the past two years.
Again, take what you
will from these postings. I will not be posting frequently and do not intend to
add a great deal of day-to-day detail, but probably will add some of my recent
thoughts on the subject, for what they might be worth to you.
With a heart bursting
with love, Beth
